Shine wherever you are!

Sometimes i feel like I am lost in my life!

What am I doing here?
Am i doing the right thing?
Where is my dreams?
Did I lost myself?
Should I go back home or continue with my plans?

And I breath, close my eyes, go to my favourite place in this island and just look around to realise how lucky I am!

A just little history about my life!

My mummy she was a fashion assistant in a Big American Brand in Brazil (even though she doesn't have studies) and my dad he was bus driver (german guy, that ran away from the war, without studies as well). But they worked hard to give us (me and my sisters) everything is possible in this world.
I studied in a good private School in Brazil, I could travel around Brazil in my childhood, we had a very good life, tough, because my dad with his german education, made everything a little bit hard in ours life, because of him i started to play piano when i was 8 y.o. and computer stuff when i was 12 y.o. i was a child and i just wanted to play with my friends on the street.. Anyway, one day, my mummy decided to quit her job, i got in panic, because her money provide our good life, i was 14 that time.
My dad that time was the main head in my house, until there okay, the problem was when the company where my dad worked closed down, and my parents didn't have any job, our school very expensive, bills, food, car, everything and my family (uncles, aunts, grandparents, started to give us some financial assistance) my school gave to us a scholarship, otherwise we needed to go to a public school, my parents sold our house and we moved to another house, we rent a house, we didn't have car anymore,  sometimes we didn't have food at all, i started to look after my sisters to my parents work in a informal jobs to get some money, could you imagine my life became a nightmare.

One day i was walking alone in a shopping centre, and one woman stopped me and said, you are so beautiful, do you wanna be a model? i said, no, i wanna be a journalist, she laughed, and said, give this card to your parents, and say to them to call me, and they didn't, 3 months later, she found me again, and she said why your parents didn't call me, if they don't call me i will take you, if you want or not, and they did, and i started to work as a model, i was 15 that time, i did some good jobs, i helped my family with money, i finished my high school, and my parents opened their our business (this is another story)  and as usual, my dad said that job (modelling) it isn't a properly a job, and i started an internship in a IT company, started my college, in a journalist course, and sometimes i did some model job!

Should i be happy? parentelly, yes! but I wasn't! I was with my 19 y.o. doing exactly what i hated. I figure out that i hated journalism, that i hate work in a office, that i hate that life i was living.

Do you know why?

My whole life i had a pressure, to be the best in everything that i do, in school, in a family, in a work, with my friends, in a church, in a music,  in being a good daughter, in fucking everything. I just had a nervous collapse.

I stopped my college, i quit my job, i got my drive licence, and i bought my first car, i started a relationship, and i said to my parents that i wanna be a artist, and my dad got mad, but as always my mummy with her sensibility said, you can be whatever you want to, my honey, and you don't need to be the best in everything you do, you need to be good for yourself and for the world. I'm proud that you found yourself, and how strong you are to say all things for your dad, and got the decision, now i know you are prepared to live.

I found a new scouter that he is with me until today, and started again my model life, I payed for my drama College, i got a new job in a IT company just to pay my expensive courses and my life in a Big City like Sao Paulo, because if you do not know is not easy life to be a model, that time my parents don't support me with money anymore. and everything was going completely fine!

I was 26, living alone, in my house, engaged (with that guy that i meet when i was 19), with my career, doing my second degree in Music (opera sing), that perfect life, independent woman, like in a Disney movies.

One more time, my life goes to pieces, my fiancé broke up with me, and all the my dreams go aways, house, family, dog, children. i stopped to work, to eat, to study, 2 months laying on in my bed, and who appears in my house, breaking doors to save my life, my dad!

Thats why he is my best friend, my mummy she is the love in the world, all the love that i have come from her, she exhales love, she is tough too, but love, just her, my dad didn't have love, he has rationality, but her, she has love. anyway, he appeared that, take me in his arms, gave me a shower, gave me food, put on me clothes, made me look at the mirror and said to me. Can you see this face (my face) its the most beautiful face that i have seen in my life, and it is not because you are my daughter, it's because you are, and because you are fucking beautiful inside, and because gave to you the strength to surviver in this world, you are not equal anyone, even your sister, you are not like them, so get up, and show the world what did you come for? your history didn't start, you will be great, enormous, but now i need to be german. That guy he will want to be together with you later, and if you say yes, you don't have your dad anymore, this will be your challenge, and your choice, and you know that i say just once.

That day i reborn again, i got back my job in my agency, i decided to move out to another country to work and study, i decided to have a new life, a decided to create my beautiful history.

i have no idea how my dad knew that, but months later before i moved out from Brazil, he asked me if i would be back again with him, and i said, i love you, but i love myself first, and i love my dad, and my family that saved me, and i will build my history!

I am still loving him, not in the same way, because i found out, how much love i have inside me, that i didn't know, i figure out that i am like my mummy, i exhales love, but with a strong personality.

Now i live in another country, working, studying, travelling, doing my best to build my career as i had in Brazil, being good to everyone, loving everyone, but sometimes i look back and i miss my old life, dinners in family, travels with friends on the beach, with acoustic guitar and fire, sing, eating and watching the sunset, sleep over in my friends house, the simple things, but this is the life, choices.

Every time that someone hurts my heart, I question myself? Why?

And i Remember what my dad said to me:

Every single day that you wake up, look at you in the mirror, and say, you deserve more, you deserve to have the best friends, that you will be with you until the end of your life, the best sisters (and you have), you deserve the best love/partner in your life, that one will look at you and don't want anyone except you, that one that you feel "if is not to be the best couple in the world, i don't want to start a relationship, that one always will choose you", you deserve shine in this world with your talent, you have the potential, go ahead, don't let anyone to say to you that you can't, because you can do it, better than you can imagine. You passed for things your side child, that makes you strong, Don't give up of your dreams, I was being hard with you all theses years, because i knew you are strong enough to do everything you want to, and the most important thing, if you want to do something, and nobody wants to do it with you, do it alone, you are able to do everything. Don't forget to love every single thing, one day we will not be here, but what i am saying now its for you remember for your whole live. I wish all the best things daughter, I wish with happy, i wish that brightness in your eyes every single day as when you are in love, i want to see even when you are no in love. I love you. we love you!

Now, every single difficult that i have i remind my dad words, and i can put myself in a correct place, i am not in a place that i want, but i am on the way, i am shining, bringing my love, and my dreams, and my soul, wherever i am!

One day i will be where you dreamt to me, God! and i know that i am in my correct way!

Never give up of your dreams, of your life, if you feel the fear, go with fear, but do it, and don't accept less that you have, you are fabulous to have a mediocre stuff!

What goes Around, Comes all the way back around!

Today, I will tell a story of one girl.

She was born in Brazil, She is around 30 y.o. She fell in love a guy when she was 18 y.o.. Her first love, he is musician, he is same age, same thoughts, and 7 years of relationship and one heartbreak. She fell in depression, lost weight, lost jobs, lost almost everything, because he fall in love with another girl. But She is strong and she survived all this, but she promised to herself never more fall in love with somebody.

She decided to fly.

She flew to Europe, first France, after Germany and now in Ireland. One heartbreak made her change her destiny. But before she flew away, she met a German guy, in the biggest electronic music festival  "Tomorrowland" and they started a relationship immediately. She saw love in that blue eyes. 

Christmas night, everybody happy, some beers, -20 degrees outside in Germany, and one argue start between friends where in the end, she does not have anything with that, but she heard of her boyfriend, "tonight you will sleep on the couch in the living room". After that day he never saw her anymore, and she started hating beer.

She arrived in Dublin, one year later, one night in a nightclub, she met a Italian boy, she didn't want him, that day was St. Patrick's Day, she just wanted have fun. She said no, 3 times and after that she gave her number to him, one month later he brought her to a restaurant, with flowers and asking her, if she wants to be his girl. 

For one girl, with heartbreak that never had lived this in her life, even afraid, because she knew he was a womaniser and fucked half of the girls in Dublin, she said yes. They lived a intense love story, travels, dinners, gifts, weekends, friends, love and they decided to live together, and with that the end of the relationship. They were immature, just 6 months of relationship and a girl with iced heart, a girl that does not how to love, and different culture, different opinions, different thoughts, difference dreams, many argues and fights, and one Welsh guy, that talk to her in a way that nobody talked before, he likes the same things that she likes, he plays guitar and one kiss happened in the middle the way, and her heart get confused about what she wants, but she decided to stay with the italian boy, although one travel of holidays in Brazil and again a new heartbreak.

When she arrived back to Ireland she heard again from the Italian guy "I do not want you come with me to Cork, i do not want get marriage and also i do not have childrens" I saw that her brow eyes soak in tears, all her fears came back again, but that time she didn't fall in depression again.

She decided that same day to do a new thing, she slept in a Welsh bed, that night he gave her all the strength that she needed to do not get back in that relationship. She is so thankful with that Welsh, he gave her strength to get back her freedom, but she is too hurt, she doesn't believe in anyone, her heart is completely close long time ago, and him started a process to open that heart.

She is independent, she is talented, she is hard on herself, she is beautiful, she is lovely and she has her own opinion, she has the life that maybe all the girls in the world would like to have, but she does not know how to love and the guy that really wants to take her, he needs to be very persistent and very nice guy, he needs to struggle for her, she does not accept anyone, anymore!

She started liking that Welsh guy, and apparentely he correspond her, but one friday after some drinks and a messy room, they woke up in her bed, and hours later he went a road trip with a Italian girl, and again her heart was break, he was not her boyfriend, he does not need to give to her fidelity, but for her, he was special, not anymore.

What goes around, comes all the way back, she made mistakes when she was with the italian guy, and all that come back again against her. She knew that, and she knew that she needed fix all the mistakes that she made.

She put a stop in all that stories, some maybe in the future can be back, others definitely not.

She heard of her daddy, "what starts wrong, ends wrong, fix all the things, give time to you, give time for everybody. Open your heart, you need to learn what is someone to love you."

And she learned, perhaps on the hard way, with feelings we can not play, its a hard game and Whats goes around, comes around.

Now, her career is taking off, she was accepted in the master's degree, she learned to love herself to love someone else

And maybe that girl, is just me or you.

By Antonie, her booker/scouter

  

Silencio

Silenciar ajuda a pensar

Transmite paz, 

Sossega o inquieto

Tranquiliza o pensamento

Ajuda a mente fazer o impossivel

Talvez cuida do coracao machucado

Talvez grita por dentro sem que ninguem ouca

Talvez esconde o Foda-se que quero lhe falar

Talvez palavras que nao saem pela boca.

Aquela saudade sucumbida

Aquele amor guardado

Aquele sentimento enrustido

Aquela raiva guardada

Aquela liberdade condicionada

Aquelas palavras nao ditas

Aquele desejo nao ofertado

Aquela raiva emcubida

Temos o total direito de usar e abusar do silencio

So nao deixe o silencio fazer voce refem

Daquilo que eh para te salvar nao para te ajudar a afundar mais

Silencio eh bom

Mas gritar ajudar a espantar aquilo que esta preso no seu silencio que ninguem consegue enxergar!